


I Always Knew Something Was Up With Bambi: A Lesson In Making Friends And Human Sacrifice

by HannibalDadJokes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 13, Animals, Case Fic, Crack Treated Seriously, Deities, Human Sacrifice, I'll add more tags when I add more chapters I'm bad at this, Jack is a good boy, Multi, No Mary Winchester, cas is a good dad, cas reads national geographic, its not what you think i swear, lana del rey - Freeform, like made up bull but im trying my best, the oc's are mainly deities
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-04-26 06:33:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14396316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannibalDadJokes/pseuds/HannibalDadJokes
Summary: Everybody's favorite boys find a possible case in the Kisatchie National Forest. 26 people have gone missing within the span of a month with nothing connecting them. Along the way, they meet some possible allies and some friendly (and extremely cursed, not literally, but like...they're obviously cursed) animals.or: if the spn writers wont square up and fist fight me in a denny's parking lot i will take matters into my own hands with a dollop of shitty humor and no angst allowed





	1. Coffee Date (its just dean drinking coffee)

**Author's Note:**

> hewwo!!! welcome to my first Supernatural fic!! here's the gist: assume most things are the same but Mary never came back, there's no impending interdimensional war or anything. they're all cool and safe in the bunker, Jack is handling everything well, he and the boys get along swell.  
> They find a case and head out to Louisiana (that's where i live heeey) where they meet some cool new friends who help them out and lose their minds over jack because???? me????
> 
> don't be expecting any legit serious writing, this is just for funsies. no hard thought out plot, it's still a work in progress!! maybe don't expect regular updates, I suck. 
> 
> but I hope you enjoy this fic!! ❤

  
It all started on a fine sunny Sunday. Sam was doing what he’s pretty much constantly doing, which is looking for a case. Because that’s like…the whole point of the show. Anyways, he was hunched over at the table in the War Room, laptop open, jotting down notes.

Enter Dean, awakened from his deep slumber at the early hour of 11 am. He shuffles down the hall on his way to the kitchen to get his mandatory pot of coffee going when he stops just outside of the War Room. “Dude. It’s like, the middle of the night why the hell are you awake?” He asks as he wraps his dead guy robe™ shut.

Poor Dean, his internal clock is fucked up. I guess driving for several days with nothing but naps in between does that do a guy… Sam gives his brother his iconic ‘bitchface #133’, aka the ‘what you said is wrong and dumb’.

“Dean, it’s almost noon.” He scoffs and turns back to doodle himself saving a nice girl from a monster or something in his ‘research journal’. “Oh. Well brunch it is,” our boy Dean says to himself under his breath. He turns back around and starts making his way into the kitchen, where Cas and Jack are already sat at the table.

Castiel and Jack look up at the exact time because that’s not creepy at all. “Oh, good morning Dean, we were just discussing how fruit flies prefer alcoholic drinks to nonalcoholic and certain males have been genetically altered to ejaculate on command,” Cas looks like he’s about to continue so Dean holds up a hand to stop him.

“I’d rather not hear about flies busting nuts, especially not before I’ve had my coffee.” He mutters and shuffles over to the counter where the coffee machine is.

As soon as his back is turned, his hunter senses tingle and he quickly whips his head around to see- “JESUS FUCK KID, DON’T DO THAT” He screams at Jack, who is now directly behind him, holding a steaming mug of what he assumes is coffee with a big smile on his face. Which falters only slightly at the outburst.

Jack is used to it at this point but it’s still a little disheartening.

He extends the mug out as a caffeinated peace offering which is then slowly accepted. Dean takes a seat at the table next to Cas and has his first sip of the day. “Okay, wow, this is good. W….where did you get this?” he asks with moderate caution.

“Melbourne.”

“Melbourne, what Melbourne _Florida?"_

“No,” the nougat boy shakes his head. “Australia. According to the internet it’s considered one of the coffee capitals of the world. I find it strange that there is a dedicated capital to hot roasted bean water.” He replies with a curious tilt of the head. How familiar.

Dean just looks off into space with a stoned look on his face. “Huh.” Is all he says before going back to giving his mug the succ.

The three just sat (stood in Jack’s case) there in a comfortable silence for a while.

Then. Several loud “THUMP THUMP THUMP’s” could be heard barreling though the halls. Dean looks up from his mug. “Sam must’ve found a case then…”

Yup.

As soon as those words were spoken, they were brought into fruition. “So, get this” reached their ears before the moose made his appearance. He walks through the door, eyes cast distractedly down at the laptop in his big strong arms.

“There have been several disappearances reported in and around the Kisatchie National Forest in Louisiana. No discernable victim pattern, all different ages, races, social class. So far nothing connects them except…well…” “Except the fact they all went missing…in a national forest…where nature related accidents happen literally every day?” Dean interrupts.

This time he gets a good ‘bitchface #207’, the ‘I see where you’re coming from but when is it ever that simple.’ “Dude, 26 people have gone missing in the last month, that’s not normal. Probably. Look, there’s no harm in going to check it out.”

With a nod from Cas and one final slorp of his coffee, the boys set off to pack.

 

 


	2. I've Been Out On That Open Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter 2! a summary: the boys get driving and dean listens to lana del rey

out fruit flies.

After having his wonderful coffee slorping session interrupted by the prospect of a case, Dean and the gang set off for good ol’ Louisiana. Even though Jack insisted he could simply fly them, as well as Baby, to their destination. Hell no. Why would he miss out on 12 hours of sitting in a car with Three Grown Men And An Angel Baby The Size Of A Real Human Teenager? 12 hours of his sick cassettes and gas station coffee.

And yeah okay, after having that coffee from Australia that morning, gas station coffee sort of tasted like cigarette enema water, but so what? It’s about the experience.

Although his passengers didn’t seem all to interested in the experience. Sam had some audiobook playing on his phone, Jack was watching some sci-fi horror movie on his, and Cas was reading a National Geographic.

What the fuck guys.

Who reads a National Geographic on a road trip. Who needs a National Geographic when you’ve been around since the literal dawn of creation and probably know everything about every species on earth? What a bunch of boobs. Heheh. Boob.

From the passenger seat Sam gives his brother a ‘bitchface #37’, the ‘I don’t know what you’re thinking but I can tell from the smile it was about something incredibly dumb’. When you’ve lived in a cramped room or a car with somebody for your entire life you get to know when they’re being a boob. Heheh. Boob.

Castiel barely glanced up from his latest edition of National Geographic to give a slight quirk of the brow. He’s used to this bullshit. Back to his sea turtles.  
  
Jack can sense that something is going on but he’s too engrossed in his Netflix movie.

You know what? Since it’s just him and Cas with their ears open, may as well listen to some stuff he never gets the chance to. At least not in Baby. Just…alone in his room at 1am. So what? It’s a free bunker. Mind made up, Dean takes out his phone (because honestly Dean’s driving already gives me anxiety this is def something he’d do) and pulls up Spotify. Time to fucking bop.

*****

“This music is very…different that what I’m accustomed to you playing.” Castiel offhandedly comments, looking up from this very interesting article about the mating habits of fleas.

Dean meets his eyes in the rearview mirror, sending him a death glare. “Lana is a friggin’ genius, man. Besides, nobody else is listening.” He mutters the last part under his breath, defensively.

Cas sets down the magazine and gives the lyrics his full attention. Huh. “She makes some very good points, but why is she asking the listener to be her father?” He squints and tilts her head.

Oh god he went there. Yeah, maybe not the best idea.

“Man, I dunno, it’s just a thing she says…” Oh yeah he’s definitely blushing. He quickly presses the ‘next’ button and OH GOD N- “FUCKING FUCK FUCK-“ very bad idea, Dean, sure just fucking go on and play Lana Del Rey, who regularly sings about daddy kinks, out loud, on your speakers, in a car full of people- “Dean, please don’t swear around Jack.” “Sorry, FRICK.”

The commotion causes Sam to look up from his notes and give Dean another Look™, ‘btichface #43’, ‘QUIET sheeeeeee’. The look brings Dean back to reality and he turns down the volume on his phone and picks a different song.

Crisis Averted.

*****

After several more hours of driving and awkward silence (no way he’s gonna repeat that mistake. Damn you, Lana.) They finally reach their destination. Dean pulls up to a motel conveniently placed a short drive away from the forest. “Alright, I say we turn in for the night, and we talk to the ranger in the morning and go from there.”

…Silence…did they even know they stopped…?

To confirm his theory, he snaps in Sam’s face, earning him half a bitchface, but then upon noticing the car had stopped, the Look subsided.

Sam pulls his earbuds out and unbuckles his seatbelt. “I have no idea what you just said, but probably yes.” He says, tiredly. Everybody gets out of the car and gathers their things while Dean checks them in. “So, Cas, anything new going on in the animal kingdom?” Sam asks in a half assed attempt at coherent conversation. It’s very late. “Yes of course, did you kn-“ Just as he was replying, Dean comes back out of the building and holds his hand up to say ‘please, Castiel, we can’t keep doing this’.

He doesn’t to know about how a wombat’s poop is square or whatever the hell.

“I got the room, I don’t know about you but I seriously need to crash.” Dean says, dangling the room key up as he talks. Sam nods in agreement. They enter their room and Dean immediately flings himself face first onto one of the beds, groaning a muffled “uuuggggggggggggh” before promptly falling asleep.

Unlike his brother, Sam goes through his bedtime routine before climbing into bed and telling Cas and Jack an exhausted “goodnight, guys” before promptly passing out.

Jack turns to his father, unbothered by the events of the day, and continues their earlier conversation about fruit flies.


	3. Barnaby The Mustached Park Ranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHAT'S UP BEEN A WHILE BUT I HAVE GOOD REASON
> 
> Sidenote: went back and fixed a few things in the previous chapters! Easier to read, I think! 
> 
> In this chapter, the boys hang out at the ranger station!

After a super healthy and normal amount of sleep Dean slowly regained consciousness, blinking his bleary eyes open to the sight of his family gathered round the crappy motel room table. The celestial beings in the room took notice of this before Sam.

“Oh, good morning Dean.” greets Castiel. Sam turns his head in Dean’s direction and gives him a casual “Oh. Hey man.” before turning his attention back to his laptop. “Good morning, destined paternal figure #3.” Says Jack, his all knowing hazel gaze boring directly into Dean’s very being.

The recipient of the greetings responds with a rather undignified “Mrrrffrfrrrf….rrf…” in the general direction of the voices.

Dean musters up enough energy to raise himself up and swing his legs over the side of the terrible, mysteriously lumpy mattress. He digs the palms of his hands into his eyes and rubs.

“You got anything new on the case?” Dean manages to grumble out.

All three at the table send each other mildly worried glances. Not a good sign. Or, maybe it is, depends on what they found, really.

Sam clears his throat before turning his attention to his brother. “Actually, yeah. A couple of girls were just reported missing this morning.” Definitely not a good sign.

“Oh, how wonderful.” Dean mutters sarcastically. “You guys had breakfast yet? I’m starving.”

Oh, Dean. Never change.

But he does just that. He gets out of bed, grabs his trusty dusty duffle, and heads for the bathroom to change from his Sleep Jeans into his fancy suit.

Taking this as his signal to get ready to hit the nearest diner, Sam shuts his laptop and puts it into his bag along with his research notes to go over during breakfast.

Jacks looks up to him with slightly squinted eyes. “I still don’t understand why he doesn’t conform to society’s standards of having a separate outfit to sleep in.”

Sam just raises then furrows his brows and shakes his luscious head of hair. “Me neither, kid. Me neither.”

  
*****

About an hour of uncomfortable (but not judgemental) staring across tables from the celestial beings and some sweet, sweet tummy relief for the humans later, the boys left the diner and headed out to the forest.

Once they reach the ranger’s station, Dean dramatically swerves into a parking space. He turns the car off and turns his body to face the backseat’s occupants with an arm slung over the bench.

“Alrighty, boyos, let’s get our story straight,” A soft chortle from Sam at the phrasing, “Sam and I play the typical suits, Cas and Jack are shadowing us. Oh, and please, please get your badges right side up.”

He turns himself back and opens his door, stepping out into the humid as fuck Louisiana air (even in the fall, it’s actual hell.) and heads towards the station. Sam turns his head to nod at Cas and Jack before opening the door and following his brother.

The angel and the nephilim follow his example.

As they all enter the building they’re met with a jolly looking middle aged man with balding brown hair and the world’s most impressive broom mustache.

One that could rival Tom Selleck’s.

Seriously, dude could win an award for that thing.

“Good mornin’, fellas! What can I do for y’all?” He asks with a smile so utterly heartwarming it’s nearly unsettling.

Sam decides to take the lead here. “Uh, Barnaby...Selleck?” A snort from Dean, “Park ranger, right?  
The ranger in questions nods in confirmation and Sam continues, “I’m agent Hackerman, this is my partner agent Del Rey, and these agents will be shadowing us on this case. Agents...Salamander and uh, Nougat.” Sam aims a silent question at Cas, who just shrugs.

They all flash their badges at the end of introduction, and Barnaby nods in satisfaction.

The ranger walks around a desk to take a seat in the chair behind it. “I’m assumin’ you boys are here to look into those missin’ persons cases.”

The group of hunters scoot forward closer to the desk. “That we are,” Sam begins, “and we saw that there were two other reported just this morning?”

Barnaby signs and looks down at his desk, where a large manilla folder is sat. “That’s right. Suanne Harvey and Louise Gardner.” The man sighs and buries his face into his hand. “Known those two since they were just babies” He adds in a wistful tone.

The ranger shakes his head and continues, “Suanne’s partner told us that she and Louise went out for a hike yesterday mornin’. Said they were suppose to check in ‘round noon. Never did.” He straightens up in his seat, “Now those two were experienced hikers. There’s no way in hell this was an accident.”

The brothers nod understandingly, “We got you. And with the other 26? Anything connecting them? Like, at all?” Dean questions. The ranger just shakes his head and lets out another sigh.

“Are you aware of their exact location of disappearance?” Castiel chimes in. Barnaby stands up from his seat and walks over to a filing cabinet. “I’m afraid not. Same for the others, but, you are all free to take a looksie at our files, records, and whatnots.”

The ranger picks out several worn folders from the drawers and piles them all up on the desk.

All of Team Free Will was left standing in awkward silence as the pile kept growing. Castiel leans in next to Dean and lowly whispers, “This seems like an excessive waste of paper, Dean.”

Even the absolute _unsexiest_ sentence still managed to give him the tingles down his spine, so long as Cas was the one doing the talking.

Fuck dude, he is absolutely  **enamoured** with this bitch.

After glancing uncomfortably at his brother who was seemingly frozen on the spot, Sam gathered up the hefty stack of files. Mother of _fuck_ that’s heavy.

“Alrighty, ranger, I think that should do it for today. Thanks for your help, we’ll give you a call after we’ve gone through all of these.” Sam relays with a grateful smile over his substantial stack of manilla folders. He motions carefully with his head to Jack, who then gives a bright smile and pulls out a card.

He hands it over to the park ranger and gives him a curt nod. “Call us if you can think of anything else.” The nephilim recites in what he _really_ hopes is a professional tone. After Barnaby accepts the card and returns the smile, Jack turns around. He shoots an incredibly pleased expression to his guardians.

Castiel gives him a proud smile and nod. Dean’s still staring off into the void, seemingly still frozen after the whole ‘whisper experience’.

Sam just wants some god damn help with these files, that would just be swell.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY REASON FOR MY ABSENCE  
> I was writing this chapter months ago in microsoft word because I had a year subscription and I wanted to make the most of it, right? Unfortunately, it decided to end right in the middle of this chapter. And apparently copying and pasting is a feature you need the subscription to use so I had to retype like 700 words by hand by just looking at my old file which is HELL for my ADHD brain so I think I died a few times
> 
> :^)
> 
> but I managed to finally finish this up, and I'm proud of what I have so far! Also season 13 ending was buck fuckin wild damn y'all

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoyed!! I'd love to get a comment from you! if you have any excellent funnyman lines you'd like me to include i'd love that, maybe hit me up on tungle @egg-slappy


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